If only

If only you knew just how much I love you. How my heart still skips a beat when my phone beeps and I hope it’s you.

If only you could hear, feel, experience the destruction that is my mind. If only for a minute. Then you’d know that it’s not me. I’m not that person. Dominated by the bitch in my head who drags me back to all the nightmares I’ve endured. If only you felt how much I despise those thoughts; how I hate myself for reacting.

If only you knew how much I want to make you happy and would do anything for you, despite my stupid head ruining it all the time.

If only you knew that I relive the painful parts of my life in detail every single day like it’s only just happened. How I have to go through the whole cycle of emotions each time and I wish to God that I could switch myself off and skip to the bit where I move forward.

If only you knew that you are the first thought in my mind when I wake up and the last thought before my brain finally succumbs to slumber.

If only I wasn’t me. If only I didn’t think, I didn’t feel absolutely every f*cking emotion at full throttle.

If only you knew the guilt I carry for not being enough. If only I’d done things differently, maybe the bad things would never happen.

If only I didn’t miss the old me. The one that laughed, the one that saw things at face value, the one that looked forward with a smile. I miss my old body, one I was proud of, one that looked good and felt good.

If only I wasn’t a walking disaster.

If only you knew.

I love you.

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