A turning point

… Well I hope so anyway. As regular readers will know, I suffer with anxiety and depression, both of which have hit me like a truck in the past 14 months or so and I’ve found life pretty challenging to put it mildly.

I’ve been trying so damn hard to help myself recently and I’ve done a lot of soul searching as well as trying various techniques to attempt to get myself out of this negative cycle that I seem to have become trapped into.

I was cleaning the bathroom earlier and thinking that I actually felt ok today. I actually felt happiness. Something I genuinely had forgotten how to feel, and I don’t mean that I don’t love or care, because I do. Far too much; I just mean I’d forgotten how to recognise anything other than worry or panic or despair. Anyway, I digress. Today I felt like I could do it. I could laugh, and be productive, and enjoy things. I could succeed.

And then it came to me. I need to look forward, not back.

The future is unknown. Which is terrifying; especially for an anxious person, but it is also absolutely anything I want it to be. I have the power to make my future, and my loved ones future, a happy one. Obviously I can’t control everything but I can dream and I can hope. I can choose happy.

Like my husband said to me a few weeks ago, I need to stop living in the past. No matter how much heartache I put on myself, fretting and dwelling on the bad times, I can’t change it. It’s done. It’s gone.

The only thing any of us can do is look forward with open minds, and open hearts and dream. Dream of happy times, healthy, joyous, fulfilling, exciting times that are full of love and kindness.

Bad things happen, that’s just life, but we can overcome the negativity they bring and remember that life is short, too bloody short. So no more hanging on to what ifs and if onlys. No more dissecting the past and punishing ourselves for not being good enough. Only look to the future, grab life by the wonderful and DREAM – we deserve that, don’t we?!

Now I just need to keep this mindset. I’m not naive enough to believe that I’m going to suddenly get better, but having a more positive outlook can only help me. I’ve had a blip already tonight, but I’m dusting myself off and I’m hopeful for a better day tomorrow.

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