A letter to my husband from your anxious wife

Literally just a few seconds ago I was thinking about you; my heart leapt and I felt a knot in my tummy, wondering if you were thinking about me too. Just like when we were teenagers; never imagining that we’d still be a couple nearly 20 years later.

I wondered if you really knew; deep in your heart, just how much I love you. So I’m writing this letter so if you ever doubt it, you can be reminded that I am truly, madly, deeply in love with you. I doubt that words can accurately convey the depth of my feelings for you but I’m going to try.

As a little girl I used to dream about marrying a handsome prince and living happily ever after. As a terribly awkward teen, I convinced myself that no one would ever love me, I wasn’t pretty or cool after all.

Then there you were, cool and handsome, oozing charm and you made me laugh; I loved being in your company and I fell in love with you very quickly. I just knew you ‘were the one’ as cringy as that might sound. I wasn’t a great girlfriend as I was learning about relationships as ours went along and I was so scared that you’d get fed up with me. But here we are, still annoying each other! My soulmate.

God knows we’ve had our fair share of painful memories as well as the beautiful and magical, but I’d say I got my wish. I just need to work harder to make you happy and secure our happily ever after.

Life has been challenging recently which is possibly the understatement of the decade, and I know you put up with a lot. My anxiety makes me pretty unloveable and as hard that is for me to accept, I know it’s true. Yet here you are, holding my hand through the tough days and helping me to see that the negative thoughts lie to me, and that you are my truth. Anxiety twists and turns everything into making me believe that everyone is going to leave me and that I’m just not enough to make them want to stay. Despite trying to ignore it, anxiety breaks my heart several times a day.

Maybe I don’t deserve you but I’m glad you stay. I’m glad you choose me and I’m glad that I’m lucky enough to be able to call you my husband for always. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for forgiving me when my words hurt you.

Thank you for being my friend. I know that people cringe when they hear someone say that their partner is their best friend, but with you it’s true. It’s you I want to tell my secrets, hopes, dreams and concerns to. It’s you I think of above any other. It’s you I want to spend my time with, unwind with and laugh with. It’s you I want a future with and I can’t imagine you not being in it.

You are the one thing I can count on to be real, especially on my bad days where I don’t know which way to turn. I don’t think you realise that you are with me even when you’re not. You’re never far from my thoughts and in my heart always. You’re in everything I do, and I love that. You are a part of me.

I often wonder if everyone has a soulmate, even if they never meet and I couldn’t imagine anything more sorrowful than there being someone out there who makes you whole, yet never knowing of their existence. You are mine and I am so grateful.

I’m so sorry for everything I put you through. But I hope you see that it’s not really me, it’s the anxiety and one day I hope to be free and you can be carefree once more.

I feel like we weather the storms but come out stronger each time, able to battle whatever life throws at us. Together. I hope you believe that too.

I love you so much.

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17 ways to my heart

It’s the little things that make my world go round. I’m lucky to have a husband who knows how to keep me sane and make me feel loved and safe. These are some of the things that make me feel warm and fuzzy.

This post could almost be a ‘letter to my husband’ type post so I feel like this is a good place to say thank you. Thank you to the one person I can always rely on; who makes me happy even when the world feels like such a crazy place. The person who keeps me sane (ok, maybe, sort of), who brings me back down to Earth when I flip out.

Thank you. For everything. For putting up with me, supporting me and holding my hand. Thank you for loving me at my worst and still seeing the best in me.

Thank you for the little things. I love you.

Hug me (if I love you) 

I’m not a hugger AT ALL but I need hugs from those who have my heart (especially my husband) All. Of. The. Time. They make me feel loved and safe and boy I need that.

Surprise me

I’m not materialistic in the slightest but come home early to spend time with me, show up unexpectedly to support me when I’m struggling. That means more to me than any material gift ever could.

Show me you want to spend time with me

Yes, maybe I am needy but there’s nothing that will make my heart sing more than knowing that someone enjoys my company and actually wants to spend their time with lil old me.

Make me laugh

My hubby is amazing at this, fortunately! Anxiety can’t win when laughter is around!

Be honest and loyal

I have no time for anything else. Everyone fibs, that’s human nature but with the big stuff, honesty all the way.

Write to me

I love little letters and notes… just because. The best present I could get is a heartfelt letter full of words and sentiments just for me.

Supply me with fizz

Prosecco. Or Pinot. Or Sauvignon Blanc. Or Gin! I’m not fussy. Well, I am, but if you’d buy it for your favourite aunty then, chances are you’re on to a winner.

Watch movies with me

I love a good horror, but anything with a good storyline will keep my attention. Especially if paired with plenty of snacks and preferably my husband!

Bring me or Bake me Cake

Ideally something despicably gooey and involving chocolate. But, again I’m not fussy. Cake is cake (said no-one ever) Good cake only, please! I have standards! 😉

Listen to me

I don’t just mean let me talk. I mean really listen to me. Even on my batshit crazy days when I’m irrational and emotional, knowing I have someone to listen and care without judgement means the world.

Cook with me

I LOVE cooking, but not on my own. I love to chat and sip wine/coffee/fizzy water as we cook up a feast together.

Let me love you back

As socially awkward as I am, I love deeply. Especially my husband and children, they are my world and I’d go to the ends of the Earth for them. Likewise, if I’m your friend, I’ll be your friend for life. You just got to learn to love the crazy first! 

Let me support you. Even if I’m struggling, please don’t feel like you have to hide your own problems from me. If I can help, I will, and if I can’t…I’ll be there, always.

Buy me stationery

…Or birdie things. I know I said I’m not materialistic but I’ll make an exception here! I love notebooks and journals, lovely pens and birds. Not actual real-life birds, I’m not the pigeon lady! (I totally would be, if I could though! 😂) but prints, pictures… that sort of thing, will take me to my happy place.

Bring me tea

Tea makes the world go round. I have been known as a walking teapot, and I’d say that that is a fairly good description!  Just don’t bring me matcha tea or anything else remotely green. YUK!

Do stuff with me

I don’t mean that kind of stuff 🙄 Minds out of the gutter please! 😉 Unless you’re my hubby then it’s ok! 😝 Anyway, I mean absolutely anything. It doesn’t have to cost any money or involve travelling, just doing the housework with me or running errands with me will make me feel content. I am a homebody but I will go anywhere to spend time with my favourites.

Text me

I don’t think a lot of people understand the power of a simple text. As someone with anxiety, radio silence of any kind allows my brain to kick into overdrive and the negative or irrational thoughts start flooding in. Just a few words by text can change that in an instant as it makes you realise that someone is thinking about you at that very moment. As silly as it sounds, it fills me with instant warmth, and I feel cared for.

Just be there

Knowing you support me, and you have my back means the world. Having you there with me physically too is everything.

 

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