My Music Playlist

I’ve always been a music lover and I’ll freely admit to having somewhat of an eclectic taste that probably isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. What I am listening to totally reflects my mood. I find it helps me, mentally and emotionally.

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Music helps me to focus or it allows me to distance myself from anxious thoughts. A distraction, if you like. Mindfulness is quite a thing now; you hear about it everywhere and I think most of us would agree that some sort of ‘time-out’ from our own over-thinking minds, can only be a good thing.

Mindfulness enables us to live fully in the present moment; thinking about breathing or focussing on sensations throughout the body whilst letting go of everything else that’s happening around us. Music helps me do this too – On a good day, I can completely close my mind to everything else, and just be.. in that very moment (anxiety allowing).

This theory is backed up by research as talked about here on the  BBC website.   I absolutely believe that this is true, and whilst it’s not a ‘magic’ fix to all ills, it can definitely give me a boost when I need it.

What music inspires you? What music gives you that positive boost or allows you to ‘feel’, if only for a minute?

As I said, my music taste is a mixed bag, but I like music that makes me feels something. I love a good power ballad when I want to shout my feelings from the rooftops, but simply can’t. I like to listen to something with sheer emotion and that helps me cry if I need to, or let my frustrations out by ‘singing’ along (sorry neighbours!) I also have been known to listen to more ’emo’ or darker music when the mood takes me.

On the whole, I’m pretty much a pop music lover. I’m really loving Ed Sheeran and Demi Lovato for some real emosh stuff and I absolutely love Twenty One Pilots for music that says what I’m thinking. The mind can be a scary place sometimes – music for me, is like a journey; a story and I relate to so many of their lyrics. ❤️

Here’s what I’ve been listening to recently:

  • The entire Divide album – Ed Sheeran (Absolutely beautiful emotional rollercoaster)
  • Make Me Wanna DieThe Pretty Reckless
  • Born This WayLady Gaga
  • Fire Meets GasolineSia
  • Wherever You Will GoCharlene Soraia (Never fails to make me cry!)
  • Stone Cold Demi Lovato
  • Nightingale Demi Lovato
  • Stressed Out Twenty One Pilots
  • The Run and Go Twenty One Pilots
  • HurtsEmeli Sande
  • HeavydirtysoulTwenty One Pilots
  • MigraineTwenty One Pilots

Also listening to Panic! At The Disco thanks to my teenager! ❤️

What’s on your music playlist?

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Rays of light through the darkest clouds

I feel like I should apologise for the radio silence recently. I had the Summer ‘off’ so I could concentrate on my family, but since then I’ve been going through some hard times mentally speaking. I won’t go into a long dramatic post about it all but I felt compelled to write in celebration of the good bits.

I honestly started to think that his was just ‘me’ now and feeling like this was just going to be my life, with regular panic attacks thrown in for good measure. I think I’ve forgotten how to see the positive things day-to-day, or perhaps I see them but I just don’t notice them.

On Monday I decided a bit of retail therapy would do me good. Fresh air, away from the same four walls and the negativity that fuels the storm in my head. I had a really nice time on my own. I bought myself some bargain clothes in the sale and pottered around, looking for ideas for Christmas presents.

On the way home, I felt a bounce in my step and an unfamilar warmth. It felt good and as I sat down on the bus, I realised that I. Was. Actually. Smiling. Not a fake smile to be polite and pretend, but a genuine life-is-good, happy grin.

I had noticed the little things around me. A robin dancing across the fences, a couple holding hands, a little girl skipping along; the sun shining even though the clouds where grey and threatening rain. I suppose it was a mini epiphany – it’s the little things sometimes, isn’t it?

I almost felt like the old me again.  Just for a little while.

Let me be clear. I am not saying that a shopping spree ‘cured’ me, because oh my God, I am nowhere near it. But I just think that it’s important to focus on the positive, no matter how small and insignificant it might seem. Can’t even believe I’ve typed that sentence, to be honest.

Life came tumbling back down to Earth with a bump when I returned to familiar surroundings, passing the ‘negativity in my life’ as I went. It was an unwelcome reminder of the darkness I often feel but I was determined that it wasn’t going to rain on my parade.

Monday was a good day. And I’ll take that.

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A day in the life of anxiety girl

Let me start by saying this is about me personally, and not everyone with anxiety, OCD or any mental illness will feel the same way.  I’m also not making light of mental illness. Believe me, I know just how much of a struggle it is.

But this is a snapshot my day… not every day, but more often than not.

6.30am

My second from last alarm goes off and I enjoy the 3 seconds of warm fuzziness before my brain kicks into gear and I think, “what have I got to worry about today?” There’s rarely a day that there’s nothing.

I try to rationalise everything, check my phone and then depending on how much sleep I’ve had (or haven’t had) I try to get my ‘5 more minutes’ of warm duvet coziness.

Did I send that form in yesterday?

Oh God, I don’t think did. I’m sure it had to be in by last night.

I’ll have to phone them.

God. No, I can’t phone them.

What should I say?

Maybe I did send the form in.

*Jumps up to check*

I sent the blasted form in.

Now…. 3 more minutes….

7am

Shit! My last alarm (the one I’ve actually labelled PANIC) goes off and I fall out of bed, getting dressed as I rush to the bathroom to get washed and ready. I get the children up and start breakfasts and all the rest of the mornings ‘To Do list’.  No matter how organised I am we are always rushing out the door at the last moment. I hate being late – it stresses me out.

8.20am

Finally, we’ve caught up with ourselves and we are en route.

“Did I lock the door?”

“I did lock the door didn’t I?”

*Asks closest child* “Yes mum”

“Are you sure? Did you see me?”

“Oh well, I can’t go back now. We’ll be late.”

“You locked the door, Mum. I saw you. You definitely locked it”

Phew.

But then what if I didn’t?

The house will be burgled.

I can’t afford to replace the XBOX.

The kids will never forgive me.

I’ll go straight home.

I’ve mastered the school run without making eye contact with even one person. Oh I tell a lie, maybe one person, that I know well and I don’t feel intimidated by. Once I drop everyone off,  I go back through my thoughts to make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything.

Better rush home, just in case it’s unlocked and the local burglar is taking everything we own.

Oh God, there’s dog poop/vomit/some other bodily fluid on the pavement.

Wait. I didn’t see that one the way up.

What if we walked in it? What if the kids walked in it?

What if the person it belongs to has some incurable and highly contagious disease?

They’ll be treading all round the school… Oh God, they’ll get ill and probably die.

I’ll clean their shoes when they get home.

Home at last.

I’d locked the blasted door.

10am

*Phone rings*

Unknown number.

I can’t answer it.

I don’t know who it is.

Maybe it’s someone trying to con me into handing over my bank details.

I won’t answer it.

Oh but what if it’s the hospital? Maybe one of the kids or hubby has been in an accident.

I better answer it.

*phone rings off*

Oh god.

12pm

*Reads email*

Invitation to a  ‘really lovely event that you’d love if you wasn’t so socially awkward”

No.

Just No.

I couldn’t possibly go.

There will be people there.

Intelligent people.

Pretty people.

People who will want to talk to me.

God.

They’ll hate me.

I’ll have to say no.

*Politely declines the invitation*

Oh God. They will think I don’t like them.

What if they never speak to me again?

That’s it now. My career is over.

4pm

Arrive home from school run, successfully avoiding the disease-ridden pavement.

I think.

Did I?

Yes, I’m sure I did. I’ll clean everyone’s shoes now, just in case.

7pm

Child A didn’t eat much dinner tonight. Well, when they are hungry later they will learn that if you don’t eat all your dinner, you go hungry!

They won’t sleep tonight.

They will be hungry.

Starving. They’ll be starving.

Maybe I’ll make them a sandwich.

11pm

Bedtime at last! I’ve just written a detailed list for tomorrow so I don’t forget anything. I can’t read at bedtime as I can’t stop my brain from interrupting. Most nights, I fall asleep pretty easily, but then I’ll wake up around 2am.

Better check on the kids. What if the blankets fallen off and they are freezing to death?

What was that noise? It sounded like the back door.

Did I lock the back door?

I said something horrible 5 years ago. I wonder if they still hate me?

I need to find some work.

We won’t have enough money to eat.

But what if I go to an interview and I don’t know what to say?

They’ll hate me.

I’ll never get a job.

What do I need to worry about tomorrow?

God, look at the time… I won’t get up in the morning.

We will be late!

And then it starts all over again tomorrow

Incidentally, I’m feeling panicky about publishing this post. Hence the first paragraph. My mouth is burning, I’m sweating  and I’m about to email a draft to my better half as he is the rational one. My anxiety is far more than just this post, but it is a small insight to the scary place that is my mind. If you feel like this too, you are not alone and talking about it makes more people understand. So there we are.

*holds breath*

 

I’m taking part in Rosalilium’s Blog Every Day In May challenge. I’m looking forward to reading other #BEDM posts! You can find out more by clicking the badge below:
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